I honestly can't believe I survived. Seriously. There were times when I looked into the future and literally thought I could not do it; there was no hope; my life was over. But here I am on the last day of this year. I have made it. Looking back, those feared (and sometimes unexpected) moments really were hard. Now that I know how hard they were it kind of surprises me how I made it through with as much peace as I did. I know this is only by the grace of God.
I OFTEN think about what I would be doing now if my year had gone differently; rather, if it had gone more "as planned". It is so crazy how much has changed in a year. I have learned a lot about myself, about life, about priorities, about loss, about fear, about strength, about tears, about pride, about humility, about shame, about friends, about sleep-deprivation, about failure, and about trust.
My life is not what I want it to be, but life is not about me. Life is about God bring glory to Himself as He redeems His people and sanctifies us to be more like Him. Everything that happened in 2011 fits perfectly into His plan. I don't understand it all, I don't like it all, but He gives me enough peace to live with it all.
Looking back, I seriously don't know how I survived 2011. I think back to certain moments and I think, "how in the world did I get through that????". God's peace met me in each moment; there was always just enough to get me through.
I am not that excited about 2012. I don't know what it will hold. I no longer feel like the "possibilities are endless" and "the world is at my fingertips", but I do know that as God continues to teach me and mold me more into His image He will give me peace every step of the way. And as scary as it is, it is a blessing to wake up each morning and have to seek peace from God and rest in His sovereignty because there is not enough peace in my circumstances alone.
From the book Jesus Calling:
"As this year draws to a close, receive My Peace. This is still your deepest need, and I, your Prince of Peace, long to pour Myself into your neediness. My abundance and your emptiness are a perfect match. I designed you to have no sufficiency of your own."
May we truly be filled with the Peace of God in 2012!
