Joy

When I first found out I was pregnant someone who had been through a similar experience told me, "your joy will return".  She was right.  There were times I did not believe I would ever feel joyful or happy again; but God has once again answered prayers and been ever so gracious.

I thought coming home from Mexico would be the hardest part of this journey and that once I was home and everyone knew things would get easier.  I was received home with more love, grace, gifts, forgiveness, considerateness, and support you can imagine.  Some things did get easier, but then there were new emotional struggles to face; so then I moved on to assuming that once I had a cute little baby in my arms the joys would outweigh the challenges and struggles.  They did not.  I loved Juliet but I still found myself crying often.  In part I was grieving the loss of my pre-baby life and in part I really struggled with the fact that becoming a mom was not happening the way I had always imagined it.  I honestly was not happy.  I would BEG God often in my prayers to give me joy in the journey and contentment in my life as a new mom; but I was just unhappy.

Moment by moment I would have to make a decision to be thankful for all of the amazing people who were caring so well for me AND to claim God's promises found in the Bible to me as His child.  In some of those moments I failed miserably and got lost in my self-pity and then in some of those moments I was able to grit my teeth and make the best of it.  I felt so guilty that I was not able to truly be joyful in this new season.  I really, really had so much to be thankful for; I had God's promises full of hope and peace; and what new mom is not just overjoyed with their new little bundle of JOY?    I was often even jealous of other young moms who just seemed so happy.  What was wrong with me???  I finally just decided that 1.) I would never really be happy again, 2.) I would have happy moments here and there and that would be sufficient, 3.) many other people have situations that are much, much harder, 4.) I need to act strong and content around others and not complain, and 5.) I just needed to suck-it-up and live life.

I really felt this way for the first three months of Juliet's life.  Of course, I had some days that were better than others; and there were moments of real joy that seemed to be gradually more frequent with each passing month, like when Juliet first smiled or when she would fall asleep in my arms.  I loved Juliet; we just weren't living the life I had imagined or wanted for either of us.

Juliet is now five months old.  God is faithful.  He listened to my every plea for joy.  He caught every tear in His hand.  He did not leave me in my grief.  He has been with me every step of the way.  He allowed me to cast on my cares on Him because He cares for me.  It has been a process, but He has restored my joy.  The process was part of the plan.  Not my plan; His.  I thought I had learned enough with simply having a baby, but God was not satisfied with just that amount of growth in my heart; He had bigger things in mind.  Through the whole process I learned so much about selfishness, pride, grief, sacrifice, denying myself, jealousy, contentment, and faith when I could not see.  I would have missed out of some these transformations of my heart if God worked on my timeline.  God proved to me that even though we have times of trial or disappointment, we can have joy in the journey as we believe that every ounce of the journey is for God's glory and our good (Romans 8:28).  

My situation could of had a hopeless, joyless ending.  Thankfully, I am God's beloved child; and He, through His grace, has no hopeless endings and has given me much joy.  Juliet truly is a joy.  I'm overwhelmed with joy when she smiles really big and her eyes practically disappear or when she giggles at the silliest sounds I make.  My start into motherhood was far from what I imagined it would be and far from what others told me it would be like (all warm and fuzzy and joyful).  This is my story of continuous redemption and I pray God will use it to encourage someone else like me that may feel like they will never really be happy again, just like He used someone to speak truth to me, even when at the time that truth seemed impossible.  God is faithful and ever so gracious.  Cling to Him, trust in Him, and your joy will return.