We had a guest preacher at Trinity last week and he talked about idols. Also, it was brought to my attention that I recently was acting quite selfishly at times as I was dwelling on all that I had lost, all the hard issues, and all that was not going as I had wished it were for my life, etc.
The sermon on idols contained a few questions to help us determine what are idols are. A few were: "What do I day dream about?", "If I don't get _______ I will feel grief and despair.", "What do I think about a lot?"
After thinking about these questions, and about how I was acting selfishly, I realized that one of my idols was having a "perfect" future and being able to control it. The things that OFTEN make me upset or cry are when I am thinking about how I have lost the "perfect" future according to the plans I had for myself; and it is a future that is out of my control now in some areas. This way my idol and because I could not longer "have it" I was selfishly feeling despair and grief.
When I first found out I was pregnant I prayed that God would use my "suffering" to teach me great things and to sanctify me more. He has definitely showed me that I was very focused on MY plans for a perfect future. Even tough I didn't have really specific plans, having a baby now was not part of them. God has been teaching me that even though I was following Him, I was not COMPLETELY surrendering my own wants or COMPLETELY trusting Him to give me good even in the midst of the hard.
I still have really hard moments and times when I cry, and I think that's ok, but I now realize that there are also times when I feel despair and a lot of that is because of my selfishness and my focus on my idols.
I'm glad and thankful I'm learning!
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